Friday, December 28, 2012

Broken From The Pressure

In my family...

We wrestle and box.

It was a major part of our up-bringing.

Dad tripped us, brought us down, and tickled until we couldn't breathe.

Mom was quick...

And rugged...

A force to be reckoned with.

And one day...

My little brother's day of reckoning came...

It came up behind him...

In a moving vehicle...

My dad, stayed on the road perfectly while the brawl ensued.

You learn those skills of stability under pressure in the National Guard.

I photographed every maneuver from the neutral corner.

Every swing...

Every block...

Every jab...

Every covering...

Every counter punch...

Every foul...

Every weaving...

Every clinch...

Every block...

I had the best seats for each bout.

And THEN!...

And T-h-e-n...


She really had him.  I mean, she 



REALLY had him good.  Both hands clamped against his nose and mouth.  His head locked into the headrest.

He panicked.  Both legs pressed into the windshield.

She cut him a break and release her prisoner.

"Look!"  He shouted.  "Oh, my gosh!  LOOK at the windshield!!"

If you look closely, his foot cracked the windshield from the immense pressure of his desperation while out of oxygen.

And then, they started all over again.

It's what we do.

Did you know I have pink boxing gloves AND a mouth piece?  I plan to pass them down.

Live from the ring, 

Monday, December 17, 2012

Christmas Pork Butt

Welcome, friends, to our first cooking show in my dear friend, Annie Oakley's kitchen.  We come to you LIVE from Idaho to bring you the best dang dish your family will L-O-V-E.  If you celebrate Christmas, this would be a great dinner.

Our cast of characters:

Paprika, Cayenne Pepper, Chili Powder, Sea Salt, Black Pepper, Apple Juice, Tin Foil, Onion, Cilantro, Lemon Wedges, Corn Tortillas and...

"The fattest Pork Butt you can possibly buy.  It doesn't matter if it's boneless or not, just make sure it's full of fat."  -- That was a direct quote from Annie Oakley, herself.  

1. Open up the Pork Butt.  The name makes me laugh.  I think it should be my new nick name.

2. Put your seasonings mentioned above in a small bowl and mix together.

Annie Oakley throws in a handful of everything, then adds her desired amount of salt and pepper.
NOTE: Careful with the Cayenne.  You just need a pinch of the stuff.

3. Pinch two long pieces of tin foil together. 

4. Put 'chur Pork Butt in the middle of your tin foil.

5. Cover both sides of the Pork Butt with seasonings you mixed together in the bowl.  Sing this song while you do this step....

6.   "Dashing through the snow, in a one-horse open sleigh....

O'er the fields we go, laughing all the way.  Bells on bob tails ring, making spirits bright...

What fun it is to laugh and sing a sleighing song tonight.  


Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way...

Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh!"

7. Now, fold all sides of your tin foil together around the wonderfully seasoned Pork Butt, making a nest.  That's what Annie Oakley calls it: "A Nest".   

Cute, huh?  Maternally speaking, don't you feel more connected to something when the word "Nest" is involved?  I do. 

8. Annie Oakley leaves one side open for a minute and splashes apple juice inside the nest.  

9. Then she seals the deal, making the nest airtight.  Cover with another two layers of tin foil.

We're nesting, nesting, nesting!  Horses! Horses! Horses!

10. Now, you'll need one of these here cooking pans.  

11. Put your Pork Butt nest in the middle of the contraption.

I'm trying to come up with different words for it.

Because I don't know what that thing is called.  I don't cook.

I would have asked Annie Oakley what it's called but she was in too big of a hurry for such silly questions.  Before I could say, "Pork Butt", she had the sucker in the oven at 300 for 6 hours and flew out the door.

"Grab a coat and follow me!" she said.  Why was she is such a hurry you ask?

I give you: "The Herd".

And at 5:00, "The Herd" needs their water filled up.

Happy Hanukkah cows!  

I asked Annie Oakley if cows like Diet Coke.

She gave me a look that you only give to someone who OBVIOUSLY is all hat and no cattle.  

My ovaries shrank on the spot and I turned red.

Lord, please wipe that question from Annie Oakley's memory forever and forever, amen.

12. When the Pork Butt in finished about 6 hours later, cut up cilantro and onions and squirt lemon wedges all over them.

13. Warm up corn tortillas (this is a gluten free recipe).

14. Shred some of your cooked Pork Butt and place the meat in the middle of your tortilla.

15. Add your onion and cilantro.  Ring the dinner bell and yell, "Come and get it!"

16. For dessert, nuzzle one of her Blue Healer puppies sleeping on a John Deere baby blanket.

17. Think about puppy breath and pregnancy.

Over and out,
Pork Butt